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1/21/2003

Scratched Eyeball

I scratched my eyeball last Saturday. A lot of pain and a lot of boredem. I had to keep both eyes closed because any movemnt hurt. So, I was essentially blind. Everything I do inveolves sight. The pain is all gone now, but I am very light sensitive. The brightness on my monitor is turned way down and all the lights are dim.

There were several times over the last couple of days that I was hungry and didn't eat. Either because I just didn't want to stumble around trying to make myself something while peeking every now and then or because I just didn't feel good. But, I still feel like I have told my body that food is scarce. I am never getting off this train.

1/13/2003

Venting

This is in response to an email I received from my sister. I'm not sending it to her because I don't want to have any communication with her. My life has significantly less stress when I am not talking to her. I need to get this out somewhere.

You have all the answers. You do everything right. The few times you have messed up, you say the right thing and make it all better. Whatever. You haven't made anything right with me. I chose to forgive the things you denied saying and doing so we could move on. Could you do that? No. You continue to bring up stuff that you said you had laid to rest.

Yes, there have been times that I was afraid I would hit my son. Guess what?!?!?! I got help with my anger and frustration and I don't feel out of control anymore. Guess what?!?!?! I learned a different way. Guess what?!?!?!? I haven't hit my son. Can you say the same? No, I didn't think so.

I do not like you. I do not want to know you. Just becaue we share some genes doesn't mean I owe you something. We will never find common ground. Get over it and move on. Leave me alone!!!!!

1/6/2003

Partially-Hygrogenated Oil

It is very difficult and annoying trying to avoid partially-hygrogenated oils. Today, I found a cinnamon-raisin bagel and a honey wheat bagel both without PHO. I also wanted to get the blueberry, but no, it has PHO. Now, why can they make the other two without, but not the blueberry? It was the same company.

1/4/2003

Gain/Plateau/Lose

When I started NT, I was at 228. I've gained to 235-240 in about a month and a half. I think I have plateaued. I hope. 240 is the edge of my comfort zone. If I go over that, I don't know if I can keep myself from dieting. I am so afraid of getting huge again. My highest ever (non-pregnant) weight was 254. I don't want to go there again. But, dieting is counter productive. I can't/won't do it again. If I don't start losing, I don't know what I will do. I am going to give this time.

With NT, I'm supposed to throw out my scale. The number on the scale does not give a good indication of fitness or health. I am fairly healthy. My blood pressure is good and my cholesterol is about 157. I'm not very fit though. I can walk pretty far on level ground, but any hiking is difficult.

1/3/2003

Weightgain 4000

I've been "overweight" since I was about 8. At least, I've felt that way. All my life I have heard, "Eat less, exercise more". Recently, I have read a few books that challenges that. In summary, they contend that eating less puts a body into survival mode. Thus causing it to seek out food (cravings) and hold onto everything that is ultimately eaten. Dieting causes obesity. When a body is adaquetley fueled, the metabolism goes up and burns more calories. So, in light of this, I have been eating whenever I am hungry and until I am full. The books explain how a person will initially gain weight, possibly a lot of weight if they have just come off a diet, but will eventually plateau and then lose to their body's natural weight.

I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around this. Probably because I am gaining weight and it is scaring me. Although I'm not gaining as much as I thought I would. I think I have plateaued.

Some differences I have noticed are:

  • Zero PMS this month
  • I am enjoying exercising
  • I have the energy to exercise
  • I'm not constantly thinking about food.

BTW, the books I'm refering to are 'How to be Naturally Thin', 'Body Fueling', and 'Breaking out of Food Jail'.

One step I haven't taken, yet, is raising my food quality. I eat fairly well, not many processed foods, no hydrogenated fats, no dairy. But, I do eat too much refined flour and sugar. I need more whole grains.

I'm starting this journal to keep my enthusiasim up and keep the concepts in the front of my mind.
Topic revision: r1 - 22 Jan 2003, MelanieScouten;
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